


"at least they aren’t homophobic"

by Selah163



Category: There isn't one - Fandom
Genre: Angst, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mostly hurt, No Beta We Die Like Endermen, Screaming, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28640598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selah163/pseuds/Selah163
Summary: just a vent thing I wrote a few weeks ago ft. my declining mental health
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	"at least they aren’t homophobic"

**Author's Note:**

> TW:  
> his contains thoughts of self-harm  
> misgendering  
> thoughts of running away
> 
> if you are triggered by any of this read at your own risk

Normally when I go on trips with my mom I think about all the things we were gonna do but over the past year that feeling of security I had with her left. When I went on the trip the first thing I thought of was all the time I could have run. I already had food and clothes. 

Maybe it was because I started to avoid talking because whenever I did I would get this look from her like she was judging everything I had just said and thought the worst about it… It could have been because as soon as she saw dyed hair or tattoos (both things I've always wanted) she would make this sound of disapproval as if that would magically make the person go “oh no I can't believe I’ve done this!!” and undo the things they did. Maybe it was because if so much as turned in something an hour late because I was forced into the mindset where if I asked for help I was stupid maybe that was why I started hating math and writing… It also might have because I realized I didn't identify as a woman and even though she didn’t do it on purpose but being misgendered hurt, it hurt so much, like all the validation you had was stripped away…

Maybe it was when I couldn't do a presentation about history because I misunderstood the directions that I hit my breaking point, not because I couldn't do it but because I had to present it to my family including her, and throughout it, I was getting private messages from my older brother laughing at me and my mom yelling at me for only having 7 slides...that night when the call ended I remember feeling the urge to cut and slice my skin… I quickly grabbed my phone and computer and went into my closet away from sharp objects.

I remember texting my mom apologizing after she had forced me to apologize for wasting my family's time. I remember crying on that call and thanking whatever was up there for having bad video quality so I didn't have to feel the shame and embarrassment of crying in front of others…. I remember venting to one of the discord servers i'm in about it. I remember getting a new friend and feeling happy for the first time that night. I also remember feeling lost and confused about why someone was being so nice to me because I obviously don't deserve it. all the emotions I was feeling were suddenly replaced with sadness and hurt when my phone pinged when I looked at it it was blurred by my tears yet so clear like it was being burned into my head the words my dad texted me where to get myself together… I remember blaming myself for everything and thinking it was all my fault. I remember going back in forth about whether it was my fault or not  
My friend Mae kept saying it wasn't while I said it was. I remember trying to distract myself by listening to music, I remember crying in my closet for hours...

The next day my family was acting like nothing happened last night and forced me to play games with them and to laugh at their horrible jokes. That day was the worst because I got in trouble for not talking because how dare I, their ‘daughter’, not want to talk after almost self-harming and crying in my closet for hours, not even ten hours ago, not want to talk? There are still days when I feel like that but at least they aren’t homophobic.

~end~


End file.
